


Tallahassee's Declasified Zombie Survival Guide

by DARWIN51



Category: Zombieland
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-07-01
Updated: 2011-07-01
Packaged: 2015-03-08 21:44:25
Rating: K+
Chapters: 1
Words: 635
Publisher: www.fanfiction.net
Story URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7136017/1/
Author URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/2124425/DARWIN51
Summary: Zombie survival guide. Doesnt involve any of the characters of ZOmbieland, sorry.





	Tallahassee's Declasified Zombie Survival Guide

**A/N Zombie survival guide, inspired by something I found on the internet. If you own that thing I found on the internet, sorry, I don't own that, you do. Read and enjoy (and review!) next chapter soon.**

OK. So somehow the world has managed to produce zombies. What do you do? How do you survive? Let this be your ultimate guide to escaping Zombieland.

People have predicted many different ways a zombie outbreak can occur. I'm assuming the reader isn't currently experiencing a zombie outbreak, but if you are, you probably don't care how these zombies got here, just how to get them the hell away, so you can skip down to the next chapter.

Many different theories have been shared, often even more ridiculous than the last. Keep in mind, how they became zombies could help you better prevent them from turning you into one. Some preacher once said: "When hell is full, the dead will walk the earth." Assuming there was a hell, and assuming it had a maximum occupancy, I doubt being bitten in this situation will prove lethal, or for that matter, turn you into a zombie. Since the cause-of-zombification in this case is being dead, it's probably not poisonous or contagious. In other words, you're not going to catch death like you would the flu. This is no reason to assume zombies can't harm you, because the idiot who throws caution to the wind forgets he can still be eaten. Those zombies are looking for brains, not your addition to their society.

Another reason a zombie outbreak can occur is from some mutated disease. If this is the case, they are just very sick people, not the undead. So they're likely not stumbling around with bones sticking out and brain showing, although they may take on a greenish pale color. There may be no cure for this, so don't be squeamish in shooting anyone, even neighbors, relatives, friends, etc. If there is a cure, it's probably very limited, so if you manage to get your hand on some, use it wisely. Don't be giving it to anyone you see, even if they have small children that are just oh-so-irresistible-and-need-to-be-a-good-person…Don't. Save it for relatives and members of your group. Unless you are a microbiologist, you aren't going to have much luck with creating an antivirus, so don't waste your time.

Another way that a population can become zombified if the dead simply crawl from the grave, as predicted by many for years. In this case, they will probably display all the classic symptoms of being a zombie, so they will be after brains, can have bones sticking out, decomposing flesh, et cetera. They may be fast of slow, though likely in either case, slower than you, (hence the broken bones).

Another way zombies can happen is if they simply may not be zombies at all. Although rare and far-fetched, a large group of cannibals may go around the world eating people. Keep in mind this is not a likely scenario, and this group would have to be very widespread, on multiple continents with hundreds of thousands of participants. An outbreak of them taking over as zombies is rare, and if it does happen, they are not zombies, or even sick. Just hungry. Therefore they are not looking strictly for brains, but all of your body, which makes them even more dangerous. Also, they are just as easy to kill as out would be, unlike the undead.

This section just gave you a brief overview of some theories about zombies. Next chapter gets to the fun stuff.

**Review if you want the fun stuff! **


End file.
